I was an angry little girl. I remember seeing things I didn’t like or things that were unfair, or people lying and I would just open my mouth and let it all out.
I would make myself be heard. Whether it was in school with teachers, with school mates, with my parents, with my brother, my grandmother.
I was connected with my anger and that brought me clarity in several moments and it also helped me take a stand for things that were important to me. But I was a little girl and I soon discovered it was not safe for me to express my anger or my clarity because the “adults” around me didn’t like it.
I reached a point that I became afraid of being angry. I became afraid of my own power. And I shut it down.
In order to survive, I repressed my anger, to be a part of, to be accepted, to be loved, I became more and more skilled in adapting to the surroundings, to people’s needs, moods, emotions and feelings. I trained myself to read the energetic space where I am in and to « predict” what is going to happen and be one step ahead of it.
I would not say what I want, I would not say what I think, what I feel, I would kill my clarity on the spot. And I would pretend I was not seeing what I was seeing.
Anger was wrong and dangerous, this was the thoughtware I was using to relate with my anger.
Last year I went to an Expand the Box for the first time and I realized that I could choose to think differently about my anger and my other feelings (fear, joy and sadness). The possibility that was presented was to think about them as neutral, neither good or bad, just neutral and from there relate to them as a source of energy and information that I can use in my life to make choices, decisions and follow impulses, for example.
I was so curious about this, how can it be ? How can it be done ? How can it be experienced ???
The answer came with a practice called Standing Rage.
« Who wants to do this ?” Some people stepped forward. During the next minutes I witnessed something that I will never forget: a space of 20 plus people, holding space for 3 people to go into full anger!!!
I was electrified! My physical body was so alive as I watched those men and woman going into their anger. I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to do it !!!
“Who wants to go next?”
“I want!”
And I did. I unleashed my anger, I used words, I felt it running through me. And when I was over I saw people appreciating me for going there.
I had never experienced something like this before. They were there with me, as I had been for the others before me. They were looking me straight in the eyes and celebrating my anger.
I feel so sad that I had repressed it for so long. I feel sad that other women do it.
After one of the healing moments I had there, a woman looked me straight in the eyes, and stretched her hand inviting me to a silent commitment. In that precise moment, I was not aware that I was commiting to something. Today I know that I did.
There was something in her eyes, beyond her eyes. Something that I think of often. She knew something, she knew something about her and about me. She knew something about women that she had discovered, touched somehow and she was sharing it with me in this silent commitment.
I could not tell what it is. And I wanted it so much. She had a fire in her eyes, a fire in her soul, a wildness deeply rooted in herself, no need for words, no need of nothing more than presence and connection in that small now we were in.
She was aware of her power as a woman, she was also aware of the power of her anger.
For the first time I experienced being looked in the eyes by an Adult Woman. A Warrioress was looking deep into my Being and I heard the calling.
A deep ancient calling that connects all women, from everywhere, from the deepest place in herselves.
It is a seed, a drumming seed that each of us women have, this seed is sleeping and is awakened with Conscious Anger.
This seed then becomes a beacon, in the midst of the fog, it shines no matter what and is now visible for other women. After this, all you need to do is go out in the world and be with, allow yourself to be seen, look at other women in the eyes and hold your hand out in a silent ancient commitment.
When you enter the domains of your Anger you are the seed that awakens other women. When you enter the domains of your Anger, you create space for yourself to be, to feel, to say yes and to say no. When you enter the domains of your Anger you become a connecting force of Gaia. You become a dinamo in Presence. You become a Voice. You become Everythingness.
When you enter the domains of Anger you create a path that becomes visible to other women to follow.
To see a woman get in contact with her Anger is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. To be in the presence of a woman who is expressing her pure Anger is so inspiring, so contagious, so powerfull.
It is a gift to see a storm become aware that she is a storm, a raging sea, a blazing tornado, what a blessing.
What a blessing.
With Love and Anger,
Sónia Maia Gonçalves
